Thou Shalt Not Kill

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Thou Shalt Not Kill

Posted by Keith Mason on 2000-08-13
Moses: "Thou shalt not kill. It is one of the most sacred of the Ten
Commandments of God. Thou shalt not kill. Does everybody understand?"

Israelites: "Yes Moses. We understand."

Moses: "Good because this is not just a peripheral law. It is one of the
glorious ten, written in stone as a perpetual reminder to all. Thou shalt
not kill! As long as you are all clear on that?"

Israelites: "Yes Moses."

Moses: "Good!"

Voice from the Back: "Er, that is - Thou shalt not kill, apart from
prostitutes."

Moses: "What?"

Voice from the Back: "I said, Thou Shalt Not Kill, apart from prostitutes. I
refer you to - "Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her
father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she
die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her
father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." DEU 22:21"

Moses: "Well, yes, okay, you are to kill prostitutes. I mean, that is
necessary so that the whole lot of you don't enter a brothel mentality, but
apart from killing prostitutes -Thou Shalt Not Kill."

Voice from the Back: "Okay Moses. Just wanted to clear that one up. Er, and
adulterers."

Moses: "What?"

Voice from the Back: "Thou shalt not kill apart from prostitutes and
adulterers. I refer you to - "If a man be found lying with a woman married
to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with
the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel." DEU.
22:22"

Moses: "Well, yes of course. Obviously I didn't mean it regarding
adulterers. They have to be killed so that you all learn a lesson and not
turn to adultery. So you can kill them. But apart from killing prostitutes
and adulterers, remember - Thou shalt not kill. Have you all got that?"

Israelites: "Yes Moses."

Moses: "Good. I am glad we have got that clear."

Voice from the Back: "Er, and apart from people who worship other gods."

Moses: "What?"

Voice from the Back: "I said - apart from people who worship other gods. We
have got to kill them, haven't we?  I refer you to - your instructions
regarding somebody who tries to entice us to worship another God - "Thou
shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye
pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him. But thou
shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to
death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him
with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from
the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the
house of bondage." DEU. 13:6-10

Moses: "Listen Matey, are you trying to make trouble or something?"

Voice from the Back: "Who me? Oh no, not at all. I am just trying to get it
clear in my head, that's all."

Moses: "Alright then, but I thought that would be obvious that when I said
Thou Shalt Not Kill, I didn't mean that you shouldn't kill people who
worship other gods. Of course you have got to kill them. But apart from
killing people who worship other gods, prostitutes and adulterers thou shalt
not kill, okay? Have we all got that now?"

Israelites: "Yes Moses."

Moses: "Right, I really am glad we have got that sorted out."

Voice from the Back: "Er, apart from rebellious and stubborn children."

Moses: "What?"

Voice from the Back: "I said - apart from rebellious and stubborn children,
you know the sort, drunkards and gluttons. I refer you to your instructions
on what a parent should do if they have a stubborn and rebellious son. -
"Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out
unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; and they shall
say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he
will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of
his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil
away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear." DEU. 21:19-21

Moses: "Well, yes, that's right. Rebellious and stubborn children have got
to be killed, but I thought that would be obvious. But apart from rebellious
and stubborn children who are gluttons and drunkards, people who worship
other gods, prostitutes and adulterers, Thou Shalt Not Kill. Good grief I
would have though that it was all so obvious. Now can we get on to other
business. I have got to give you the measurements of the temple so that you
can get on with building it."

Voice from the Back: "Er, and apart from witches. I refer you to - "Thou
shalt not suffer a witch to live." EXO. 22:18

Moses: "You are beginning to get on my pip, meladdo. Who are you anyway?
Step out into the light so that I can see you.

Voice from the Back: "No, you are okay, Moses. Just trying to get it clear
in my head, that's all. I mean, I wouldn't want anybody to get confused by
it all."

Moses: "Righttttt.Well in that case, naturally you must kill all witches. We
can't allow that sort of a thing to carry on, can we?"

Voice from the Back: "So, we mustn't kill apart from prostitutes,
adulterers, worshipers of other gods, rebellious children and witches."

Moses: "Right. I am glad that we have sorted that out. Now about the
measurements of the temple."

Voice from the Back: "Er, and apart from people who commit sexual acts with
animals."

Moses: "What?"

Voice from the Back: "I said - apart from people who commit sexual acts with
animals. I refer you to - "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put
to death." EXO 22:19 Moses: "Right, right, right. So Thou Shalt Not Kill
apart from prostitutes, adulterers, people who worship other god's,
disobedient children, witches and people who have sex with animals. Now CAN
WE GET ON?"

Voice from the Back: "Er and apart from the king of Heshbon and all of his
people including everybody who lives in his cities including the men, women
and children."

Moses: "What?"

Voice from the Back: "I refer you to - "And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I
have begun to give Sihon and his land before thee: begin to possess, that
thou mayest inherit his land. Then Sihon came out against us, he and all his
people, to fight at Jahaz. And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and
we smote him, and his sons, and all his people. And we took all his cities
at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little
ones, of every city, we left none to remain:" DEU 2:31 - 34

Moses: "Well, yes, of course, but I would have thought it was obvious that
when I said Thou shalt not kill, I didn't mean the king of Sihon and all of
his people."

Voice from the Back: "Er, and apart from."

Moses: "Right I have had enough of this, You all know what happened when all
of those priests with Korah's mob questioned me, how the ground opened up
and they all died, so somebody kill him will you.

Voice from the Back: "Yes, I was just coming to that one, is there any truth
in the rumour that you and Aaron mixed some strange powders together into
sticks, buried them in the ground and then conned them all into standing on
top of them and blew them all up? Aaaarghhhh..!"